Bal Wale Paranthe

God is a concept that I could never believe in till yesterday...

...and I am still uncomfortable in acknowledging that I accept it or have suddenly turned into a believer...I don't think I have but I certainly have been forced to think about it...when biji took the heavenly abode yesterday.

I have always been uncomfortable with the concept of God because I always believed in the human strength and human will. I always believed that God was like an escape route, like cigarettes, alcohol, drugs or people...temporary addictions to help you escape from reality. I believed it was an imaginary being that we were more comfortable trusting our locus of control with, not keeping it internal for the fear of failing and not keeping it external for the fear of being failed, such that it was always comfortable for us to have this imaginary control center. I believed that it was still always you who was doing what you had to do, while crediting or discrediting God for the results.

However, it was really the credit that was given to him that used to make me uncomfortable and made me almost resent him, at times even a bit jealous maybe. It was the surrender of the absolute power in him that made me even more of a disbeliever, when "God's Will" seemed to be the most escapist expression ever to me. I believed I was an aethist for this reason but being a bit non-confrontational, I was more comfortable declaring myself to be agnostic.

My biji died yesterday, the same day as when papa passed away 5 years ago. This, I am certain is not co-incidence. She was bed ridden for a long time and was just hanging on. I saw her a couple of weeks ago before coming back to London and she wasn't able to move much. She couldn't talk much and couldn't recognize me at times.

But she got some strength somehow from somewhere, at times when she recognized me, to lift her hand to hold my hand and bring it to her lips to kiss them, or to pat on my head when I would go to her room to see her. And she got some strength from somewhere to carry on in this world till it was time for her to join her son on his birthday of another world, on their birthday together in heaven. Not a co-incidence and I am more convinced than ever about where she found the strength to carry on.

"Biji, aapke jaise bal waale paranthe koi nahin bana sakta". I know listening to this always made you happy and I hope it does this time too.

Love,

Jatin